


Tea-Bagging is Illegal

by HoneyNutFemios93



Category: Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: M/M, No Plot/Plotless, This Is STUPID, shitpost
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:14:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23424562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HoneyNutFemios93/pseuds/HoneyNutFemios93
Summary: Claude reveals he uses a tea-bag as well as other things to Lorenz.
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir & Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester/Claude von Riegan
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11





	Tea-Bagging is Illegal

Tea-Bagging Is Illegal

_-_-_-_-_

"Claude… what in the world is in your cup?" Lorenz hissed when he saw it in his bright yellow mug, which read "Golden Deer Represent" in bold black letters. 

"Tea." Claude replied as he sipped his cup, his face bearing a shit eating grin. 

"IN A BAG? Do you not realize what you are doing? You're not appreciating the herbs and spices that were made for that tea! By having your tea bagged, you're giving it a new flavor that doesn't belong in tea!"

Claude scoffed, "Yeah, it tastes SORT of like a paper filter, but anything is better than getting some greens stuck in your tooth and having to go in with some floss and try to get it out only to give you a case of gingivitis you didn't ask for. The paper taste? All worth it!"

"Aaugh! The gall! You really think the tea leaves would do that?! That's why you filter it like a sane man would!" Lorenz's voice raised louder over this. Claude knew what he was doing. 

"When it comes to tea? Maybe I'm lazier than Hilda. A tea bag is convenient enough that it filters the tea for me. Don't be so upset. It's like you peel the skin off of Starburst or something." 

"Excuse me?"

"Don't you eat the skin?" Claude asked as he sipped his tea. 

"The… skin??" Lorenz was confused. Just then, he saw the bag of Starburst sitting by his desk and saw that none of the wrappers were in his trash can by his cubicle. That's when Lorenz looked back at Claude, "YOU MEAN THE WRAPPING?!" 

"You really peel the skin?" Claude blinked, genuinely surprised. 

"Claude, this is so surreal. It is so surreal that this is the level of absurdity you would stoop yourself to. I need to leave. You are ridiculous!" Lorenz huffed in a hurry. 

"You're the ridiculous one for peeling the skin, Lorenz!" Claude yelled back. 

_-_-_-_-_-_

Lorenz huffed, "Seriously Ferdinand! Can you believe that guy? He drinks tea with the tea bag in AND he eats the wrapping of the candy! I am surprised he even had a credible resume that would let him in this position. Are you?" 

Ferdinand chuckled, "You should see who I have to deal with at my workplace! So you remember Hubert? That jackoff drinks his coffee black!"

"Black?" Lorenz gags, "So he doesn't even use creamer?"

"Yes! He judges ME for using it of course! Does he not understand his teeth would yellow? What is worse is that he doesn't pour sugar in it at all! I guess that's what makes it black but isn't it bitter, Lorenz?" Ferdinand whined at the thought. 

"Why yes, Ferdinand. It is!" Lorenz groaned. 

Little did they realize someone overheard them and finally revealed themselves with a monotone voice full of indifference and a hint of aggression, "You guys just need to bone them."

Lorenz spat his loose-leaf tea leaves as Ferdinand looked at the source. It was Shamir, the custodian that often cleaned around their departments. 

"S-Shamir!" Ferdinand gasped. 

"What did you just say?" Lorenz hissed angrily. 

"I said you should just bone them already. From how you guys gossip about those two individuals in particular, you clearly want to. What's stopping you uppity numbskulls?" Shamir asked. 

"How dare you, Ms. Shamir Nevrand, I AM YOUR SUPERIOR!!" Lorenz shrieked in a mix between fear, embarrassment and anger. 

Shamir just watched as Lorenz went into a movie-length temper tantrum - in which the word "BONE" was the loudest word he shouted - with a straight face, her face unwavering and stoic as Ferdinand grimaced with fear. 

When Lorenz's composure returned to him, his face still red, hot and flustered, he readjusted his suit before addressing Shamir again. 

"Never say that to me again, Ms. Nevrand," Lorenz huffed before he walked away, trying to pretend it didn't happen. 

Ferdinand looked at Shamir somewhat irritated with her that he had to sit through this tantrum, "I wish you all learned not to tease Lorenz with such ridiculous sayings."

"Just wait. He's going to come back with a new story to tell you about that Riegan guy," Shamir replied as she took Lorenz's tea and sipped it. 

_-_-_-_-_

**Author's Note:**

> Here's A Dumb April Fool's Day shitpost. 
> 
> Hopefully a more serious Claurenz fic gets requested.


End file.
